Lack of Closure: How to Make Sense of the Unfinished
When a partner dies or a relationship ends suddenly, we experience a visceral shock to our system. At that moment, we can’t think about the “why” much less begin to understand what has happened. We need time to grieve and allow ourselves to accept what has transpired. Sometimes, we need to break down in order to build up again, and time helps us do this.
When working with clients whose partners have died or suddenly left, there is initially little work to be done. There is just support and reassurance that they will get through it and they do. Moving through this pain is difficult, but it’s important to remember it is part of the grieving process. Things to do during this time:
1. Maintain consistent contact with friends and family who can hold the space to grieve and talk about your feelings. 2. Prioritise basic self-care, including eating, sleeping, exercise, and getting out of the house.
3. See your GP if you’re not sleeping, eating, or able to get out of bed.
When a person becomes more grounded, they can begin to understand and make sense of what has happened. With a sudden death of a partner, grief can unfold in a range of emotions, and varies from person to person and shouldn’t be rushed.
When a relationship ends suddenly, without explanation or an opportunity to talk about it with their partner, (when the person leaving will not engage), it can also feel like a death. They are left with all the feelings and left to understand the “why” without any answers or without any closure. Understandably, there is confusion, anger and frustration.
We all want to neatly package our emotions into some semblance of clarity so we can make sense of things, but more often than not, our emotions are messy and not fully understood. Learning to stay with the mess, the unknown is more than uncomfortable but it brings eventual acceptance and the possibility of self reflection and some understanding.
The choice we have at this point is to care for ourselves and accept that our partner is unwilling or incapable of knowing why they want to leave the relationship. Appreciating if a person who has left has ‘capacity’ to understand helps us shift from pursuing answers with them to learning to stay with our feelings. It’s important to remind ourself that our feelings will continue to change and heal.
Working with a therapist can be helpful because it provides different perspectives, allowing us to reflect on problems that may have been in our relationship all along. Having the clarity helps us not to idealise the relationship and allows us to move on. Most importantly, it offers support and reminds us that there is a future to hold on to.
Shirlee Kay https://www.shirleekay.co.uk/